Part 5: The Silent Resentment and Rage That Builds Under Fawning
- Whitney Riley
- Jan 20
- 4 min read
Updated: 7 days ago
Let’s talk about the part of fawning almost no one warns women about:
Fawning doesn’t make your feelings disappear, it just buries them.
And whatever we bury doesn’t vanish. It accumulates and comes out sideways.
Under every fawn response lives what I call a shadow twin —
the emotion your body meant to feel or express before it redirected you into a version of peacemaking.
Most women who fawn don’t think of themselves as angry people. In fact, this misunderstanding adds another layer of pain. And may be an additional trigger back into the fawn response because of this internal mismatch.
They believe they’re sensitive, accommodating, peace-loving, or “just wanting everyone to get along.”
But inside, there’s often a quiet storm building.
The Emotional Physics of Fawning
When you fawn, your body bypasses your authentic reaction in order to preserve safety. There is a trade that looks something like this: fulfil other people's needs to keep everyone satisfied while denying my needs until it is too late.
That authentic reaction might be:
irritation
disappointment
exhaustion
overwhelm
fear
hurt
anger
frustration
a boundary needing to be spoken
request
But instead of allowing any of those responses to move through, your nervous system hits an internal emergency override:
Be nice. Smooth it. Fix it. Fold yourself up. Make it go away.
The emotion gets suppressed — not resolved.
And this is how resentment begins to build.
How Fawning Accumulates Resentment Over Time
The pattern usually unfolds like this:
You override yourself.
You tolerate something you don’t actually agree with.
Your needs remain unmet.
Your body remembers.
Emotional pressure increases.
You eventually collapse, shut down, or break.
Or you explode and feel misunderstood when people look at you like you're crazy.
Nearly every woman I work with recognizes this cycle immediately.
Not because they’re failing — but because they’ve been repeating it quietly for years.
How Silent Resentment Shows Up
Resentment doesn’t always announce itself loudly.
Often, it tiptoes around.
You might notice:
unexplained irritability
snapping at small things
feeling drained after social interactions
withdrawing from people who “need too much”
feeling secretly angry at being taken for granted
fantasizing about disappearing, starting over, or opting out
emotional numbness after being “too good” for too long
passive-aggressive thoughts you immediately judge yourself for
You might wonder why you feel angry all the time. It’s your body saying:
My needs didn’t go anywhere. When is it my turn?
How Rage Shows Up Quietly in High-Functioning Women
It can, but rage doesn’t always look like yelling or explosive behavior.
In women who fawn to resentment, it often looks like:
internal boiling you never express
crying from overwhelm rather than sadness
feeling like you might burst if one more thing is asked of you
shaking during conflict while appearing composed
snapping at the wrong person — a partner, a child, yourself
uncontrollable road rage
intense guilt afterward for being “dramatic” or “too much”
feeling misunderstood without a bridge
The rage isn’t the real problem. It's the pattern that blocks safe requests and expression.
The Resentment–Rage Loop
This is the loop many fawning women live inside for decades:
You fawn to avoid conflict →
Your real feelings get suppressed →
Resentment quietly accumulates →
Rage spikes internally →
Shame follows →
You fawn again to repair the tension →
The cycle repeats
Until it’s interrupted, this loop runs on autopilot. Stealing so much and leaving unyielding exhaustion.
Why This Does Not Mean You’re Broken
At some point, nearly every woman who fawns tells me:
“I feel like two different people.”
It may feel like a fractured self, but you’re experiencing a split between:
the authentic self trying to emerge
and the survival self trying to keep you safe
They’re not enemies. They’re disconnected. Disconnection always breeds resentment. And with it internal chaos.
Unfortunately, the fawn response usually wins, even when you beg yourself to stop, until it is soothed.
The Good News: This Loop Can Be Dismantled
This pattern doesn’t unwind by:
telling yourself to “stop fawning”
forcing assertiveness
trying to control or suppress emotions
shaming yourself into better behavior
It unwinds when the nervous system is soothed and no longer needs to override the authentic response.
When the reflex is healed at the root:
resentment fades
rage stops accumulating
fawning loses its grip
communication becomes honest instead of anxious
boundaries feel natural
self-trust returns
conflict no longer feels life-threatening
relationships become more balanced
This is when women say:
“I didn’t feel the usual panic. I just said the truth — calmly.”
They didn't have a personality change.
They changed the pathway to regulation.
That’s freedom.
Series Navigation
Start here if you missed it:
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In Closing
If you recognized yourself in this post, let that recognition be information — not judgment.
Resentment doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful.
Anger doesn’t mean you’re unsafe.
It means something true has been waiting to be heard.
You don’t need to become harsher to stop fawning.
You need to become more connected to yourself.
If you want gentle support as you begin unwinding this pattern see if these resonate:
Soul Vitamins offers daily nervous-system reminders that you’re allowed to have needs
Make Everything Easier helps dissolve the hidden resistance beneath self-abandonment
The MEE Method™ is a year-long curriculum for women ready to stop surviving and start inhabiting their lives
You’re not wrong for feeling this way.
Your system has been trying to protect you —
and now it’s ready for something more honest.
With fierce love and unwavering belief in you,
Whitney
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